Come this June, I will have been married(to the same woman) for 16 years. I should say it has been the fastest 16 years of my life. But there are some things that have made begin to wonder why.
It's amazing how after being married for a long period of time you basically stop listening to each other. I don't mean you don't listen to the important things.....you know....bills, mortgage, the kids(the little monsters) and taxes. I mean the things about her sisters, friends and work that I couldn't care two dimes about.
My wife mentioned to me about a(so called) conversation we had about a friend of hers and something about dying her sister's hair.....blah, blah, blah.....I'm gone.
Are you kidding? If anywhere in my conversation with my wife gets to dying a woman's hair....I'm gone. There has to be something more pertinent in sports going on than a woman's hair color choice.
My wife kills me all the time..."You never listen to me!" You're goddamn right. How in god's green earth could I possibly listen to your woman crap for more than 15 seconds?
To be fair, she doesn't hear much I have to say anymore either. I can see her eyes and body language go completely away when I speak of sports or an antidote I may have found amusing in my daily life that I'm thinking of blogging about.
You see, after a couple has been married for an extended period of time, we begin to be able to finish each other's sentences. When it comes to my wife, she can complete my entire paragraphs! I'm not sure she has heard a single word I have said beyond, "You know what?......" She's heard it all.
If I ever complain about an existing paradox, she always explains to me, "We are soul-mates...I know what you are thinking."
After all these years of marriage, I find it amazing that we constantly rehash discussions we have had previously and tune them out. But if given the right amount of thought it's completely natural. Why would we listen to shit we've heard over and over for years?
It's these nuances that keep marriages together. It's not what breaks them up. We need to realize these are the day to day happenings that make our union stronger. All of us need to realize the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If we didn't care, we wouldn't hate! If we didn't care, we would move on.
You can only imagine the strength of my wife. To live and love with me for 15+ years is pretty amazing in my eyes, let alone yours. But when she is pissed at me, I know it's because she cares(and believe me it's more times than I would like to admit).
It blows my mind how much we don't hear each other these days. It's not that we don't listen, it's just that we know after all these years we've heard it before.
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Okay TJ, I can relate to this. However I call it filtering and tuning out. Gina busts my chops about this almost every day. I have the habit of getting into the "zone". The entire house could crumble around me when I get focused.
ReplyDeleteGina will be talking to me while I am at the computer or working on a project and we will carry on an entire conversation. All I contribute is the usual.."Uh huh", "yes" or "no" and the conversation will keep rolling. Two weeks later she will expect me to be planning on being somewhere at a certain time and I will say, "What are you talking about?" The response is usually, "I told you about this two weeks ago". OOPS, I really was not listening. Then the schmitt hits the fan!
It is not that I do not care about what she is telling me, but I really don't care. in other words, I have a basic agenda that I work off of. I prioritize things in my life and I make sure that the priorities are taken care of. They are Paying the bills, making sure that I do my job so that I can keep my job. Taking care of the kids. This means making sure that they are working well in school and keeping active in sports. I am the king of multi-tasking.
However, sometimes Gina's priorities and mine do not mesh (can you say oil and water?). Like she is very concerned about taking care of her mother.This means that since her mom moved to within 3 miles of us, I am the new handyman at her condo. Needless to say, this is way down my priority list. So, when she starts talking about what her mom needs done, the filter kicks in and I do not hear a thing.OOPS.
Also, Gina is getting to a wonderful place in her life.....menopause. Needless to say, the filters are on 24/7. I hear that same complaints about the same things as before, but only a an increased volume and with tears or swear words attached. I have the best filters in the world. As she is going through "THE CHANGE", I am also blessed with three lovely children, who's hormones are just kicking in to make them adults.
Now I know why my dad always had two jobs. It was not only to make enough money to feed 11 children, but it also gave him a lot, and I mean a lot, of time away from the hormonal stew at the Bastian pad. I always knew he was smart, but not the smart. GENIUS!
So to your point. I love Gina more than anything. This means I love her enough to take care of her and our children and do it with the least possible pain. If I really listened to everything that she talked about, I would get sucked in to things that were not priorities to me and I could not focus on the things that keep our family going.It is not that I do not care. It is more that I care enough to not listen and drive myself crazy.
She does the same thing to me, but I do not make a big deal about it. I plan on her not listening and make sure that the important things get on her calendar. Since the calendar rules the lives of the 6 people in this house, everything of importance should be there. With the age of technology, I can email Gina my calendar, she emails me her's, and everything is perfect.
15 years for Gina and me and I love her more now then 15 years ago. She has blessed me with 4 great kids, now we just have to make sure that they get out of the house by the time they are 18! Then, I will actually pay attention to what Gina is saying and will be able to give her better answers. 11 more years.
Thanks for the outlet.
Love, Billy
You rule my friend!
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